Exams are over and so now I'm an observer.

Exams are over and so now I'm an observer.

I carry my camera (not the one attached to my iPhone but the good ol' Nikon) and I capture things that I've being seeing every day for the past six months on my way to college (the fluorescent sign in front of the college that feels like it would fit better in front of an old American hotel, the tastefully ugly bus seats that feel like they could be part of an haute-couture collection but really just look like puke, the young men in ties tense from the day's work).

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry. You will someday.", American Beauty (1999)

But there are also tiny details, or quietly stunning things / objects / people that have escaped the oh-my-I-must-study-and-stress-out-about-not-studying-and-also-where-is-my-social-life-am-I-not-meant-to-be-a-teen?? self during the year. I was walking down the street after a particularly inspiring coffee-date with Kat and Isabelle and I sort of felt invincible. I was radiant, it was one of those moments where you simply can't fathom being ugly (YOU ARE BOTH SO EXTERNALLY AND INTERNALLY CUTE HOW COULD YOU HAVE EVER HAD A GREASY-HAIR DAY IN YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE?) and seeing ugly. There was a little nagging voice though, that kept on repeating: "Okay, sure you feel good about yourself. But look. Look, closer". 

This kind of reminds me of American Beauty's slogan how the movie's all about "looking closer" at the stuff (usually stuff that makes you think or sad or both) beneath the surface. 

At that same time, I heard another more real voice. "Hey, what'ya filming?". A homeless man. Sitting on a crate. In front of McDonalds, two pit bulls sleeping next to him. Unshaven. On the other side of the side-walk. Just one of these elements would probably have made my during-exams-during-the-year self speed up. All that programming about not making eye-contact with a man, and not responding to anything coming from a homeless person, bc EW HOMELESS and bc OMG you are a girl!!! You need to protect yourself & also never put yourself in a dangerous position & also be safe, make good choices!!!, it all kicked in. 

Maybe it was because I was in such a good mood that I shrugged my Health/PE-teacher-voice and approached him. His name is Micheal. And after we started talking a bit, he looked straight through me and told me that he had a story and that he wanted to be heard by the new generation. So I filmed him. And he is quite spectacular.

I think making a documentary would be a good idea. I've already started collecting interviews (teenagers my age at school, nothing super organised, just their thoughts about the world and themselves in the world). I get these huge waves that get me feeling as if I can do everything, but usually just after I start feeling very tiny. But the thing is this: I don't want to be a quietly amazing person, going about her life, yes, maybe occasionally (when on holidays for example) looking at things in a different light. I feel as if I want to be loudly amazing, most of the time. 

Kat wrote me a letter, and it came at just the right time.

My life is so crazy, it pierces through my expectations with such sass, I sometimes wonder whether it's doing it on purpose.

I read Tavi's post on the bus, and it made my heart skip. I love how she expresses herself and how she pushes herself constantly to create beauty. Or at least to link up little pieces of beauty.

Have a look at my tumblr, for stuff that I'm liking at the mo'.

I'm reading TRACKS by Robyn Davidson and also Fahrenheit 541 by Ray Bradbury.
I also bought a new book the day before yesterday - it had been such a long time since I had bought a new book. 

I don't even know if there's anyone out there reading these words, but if there is: heyy thanks for sticking 'round even though I never post anything lol.

xx
Zoé