Wednesday, July 15

I'm a hurricane (with short hair)

Last night was my last night with long hair (I cut it this morning). Hair is just hair, but you know, I feel like a new person now so. At the hairdressers I was going through the symbolism of it in my head (coming of age, beginning of a school year, almost spring so like, BEING REBORN, going with a more healthy, clean-cut approach to life, anyways) and the hairdresser kept on asking me whether I was okay. I told her yeah, I was just reassessing my life.

Last night at the front café, several times I found myself thinking that I had to remember these moments I was living very carefully. They were movie moments, little pieces of strange magic if you will. They were what Hillary Duff talks about in her song "Hey Now (this is what dreams are made of)" (circa 2003, bringing it BACK). Little moments layered with the colour of my mood and my thoughts that if remembered at all by others, would be remembered entirely differently.
Lately those kind of moments have been rare. Being sixteen hurts can I just say.

I bet you kiss your knuckles / Right before they touch my cheek

Movie moment number 1: Everything very dark, the night stretching and folding over gum trees and hair strands. The sky went from dark silvery grey (those were the clouds) to a black that made my heart spin. I wanted to absorb the sky but I don't think I am capable of looking up to the stars and not panicking about what they mean. They're so far, and huge, and I am so little.

Set a fire in my head tonight

I remember talking and also not talking with Angélique while walking on this path winding up and around the wetlands. It must have been 1:00AM. I remember thinking that this was me growing older. The streetlights not only transformed the places I passed every day but made me feel eerily happy, as if the aesthetic of the sharp orange and the shadowy shapes somehow validated my experience. It was as if a director had thought this moment through and thus was in charge of my life, and that felt comforting. 

Don't belong to no city / Don't belong to no man

Movie moment number 2: Putting "Hurricane" by Halsey on Spotify in the front. Customers watering out and the suburbs closing their doors. Feeling at home, even though I wasn't. Standing next to Riley and pushing lightly on his coat. This moment feels like a very vast moment, maybe a collection of little ones. I remember "Hurricane" linking these moments together, and a dim light with the dishwasher in the back. "Hurricane" makes me want to sway back and forth like some goddess and lick my lips while wearing very cute attire. Putting on Halsey, and Elvis Presley, and feeling as if these two songs fit very well together. Alternating between feeling awkward a little bit and not worrying, and remember I had long hair, so I was loose. People were loose and I think Halsey would be proud that her music was the perfect mix of sexy and wild but also cosy and familial (? am I even speaking English, maybe 'familiar' would be a bitter fit?).

A little liquor on my lips / I let him climb inside my body

Movie moment number 3: Distinctly feeling as if I was gaining confidence in myself. This felt entirely foreign. The voice ("shut the fuck up please Zoé, no one actually cares") I am told is worse because I am a teenager and it's normal that it's there because I am meant to be ANGSTY and DEPRESSED and also HORMONES. So I guess that's good news that I am, um, on the right track. I guess it just felt nice last night to be able to be with a group that I partially did not know and not have my cruel inner voice subdue me. 

Setting fire to our insides, for fun / Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

You say that you're no good for me / Cause I'm always tugging at your sleeve

Movie number 4: Standing behind the counter at the front with Coco, Riley and Angélique and feeling as if I belonged - like I was part of some inside joke (nothing to do with the awful comedy acts that were going on). Because who could fit in more than the people running the place? (Or in my case the people pretending to run the place.) Coco made me a homemade warm cookie-dough, vanilla ice-cream and berry concoction and I pretty much died inside.

There's a menace in my back / Can you see a silhouette?

Other thoughts: what even is this space? I feel weird, because journaling, and blogging, and writing emails and writing letters are all different ways to document moments in my life. And that's really cool and versatile and yay. But writing for an audience vs not, and writing on a computer vs journaling on a notebook with different materials and colours, means juggling the content a little, and this sorting stresses me out. Also, I feel like I say I'm good at writing but my writing is just me talking about moments in my life sometimes trying to imitate Tavi, and it's starting to tick me off. Can't I write a goddamn witty/informative/creative article or something instead of always focusing on me-me-me?!

I'm not sure what this blog even is to be honest... 

Anyways little updates:
- my best guy friend moved to France (he's a weird fellow: sometimes I feel like I know him by heart other times I am positive I know nothing about him). 
- the two most interesting people I know are moving to Paris in less than a month,
- fml France, why?!
- I'm still in Aussie-land, but I think a lot about next year. In what movie does the protagonist say: "the only thing worse than leaving was staying"?
- I like talking to people, people are so weird.
- I cut my hair!!!! I mentioned that, right? I feel like my subconscious kind of presented itself and decided quite sporadically that I should chop it off. I feel like I'm a cross between Donna Tartt and Tavi (SHE'S EVERYWHERE) and also Johnny Depp's daughter and maybe Meg and the girl on my frankie calendar.

- also: I'm rediscovering Taylor Swift who is actually a queen. I feel like she's grown so much from her Fearless album which guided me through middle school and now, though her songs aren't guides they're definitely my jams! I must write a mini-review for her songs.

Cherry lips / Crystal scars

- talking about reviews I wrote a mini-review of Palo Alto for, um, my tumblr?

Okay over and out for me, goodnight world,
xxx Zoé

1 thoughts:

  1. I've been deliberating cutting my hair for almost years now, but it's gotten so tied up in my identity that I still haven't decided... Enjoy the sense of freedom and new-self :)
    I've had so many moments recently that make me laugh because it feels like I'm living them out of a film, it's wonderful, if surreal!


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