i don't want to forget this feeling

just when i felt at my loneliest, when friendship groups at school were falling apart and my classes felt unconnected, unimportant in my life and when i felt that people were more often shallow than not, the winter holidays cropped up.

tonight, for instance, i was filled with delicious food (four courses of light, gourmet plates, from mini prune & ham skewers to creamy parsnip soup to tabbouleh to crème brulée) and with exchanged stories and jokes.

i am warmed by these people, older than me, yes, but who are grasping their lives with both hands. i realise that my whole existence i have looked up to these sorts of people, and i have told myself, sometimes subconsciously, that when i am older i'll be one of that kind. the kind who go on impromtu adventures and who work hard at a job that they love and who surround themselves with people and objects and routines that make them feel connected.

things have changed a bit, because now, i've decided that i won't be waiting any longer.

i'm kinda just going to go for it.