i'm ok

This week & weekend turned out to be a huge struggle for me. Here are some excerpts of my journal over the week...

Monday

Instead of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday I call on Five, Four, Three and then Finally 1, Finally 2. Why do I only live (really live) 28 per cent of my life?

Wednesday

It all has to be justified, but I cannot justify the vacancy and pain I feel in the pit of my stomach. But above all, the uncertainty is the worst. I feel like Atlantis: a wealthy city swallowed by the sea of ancient times.

Friday

Instead of concentrating on being OK again, I count my bruises. I'm trying so hard to forget, but some part of me feels that if I covered up all the sore and put on a brave face, day by day I will get a little smaller and my scars will get bigger and spread until I am but a pile of broken promises and stray memories. 

Today

I feel linked to something that means much more than what I am confronted to daily. Sometimes, I can feel the whispers and vibrations of the stars and the branches and the water and I am comforted. I try not to worry about the mediocre and just focus on the horizon. I never thought how difficult it would be to be OK everyday. 

Yes, it's glum and sad. Yes, sometimes I ask myself whether these feelings are normal or if there is something wrong with me. I 'fell out' with one of my closest friends, and it sucks. Oh boy does it suck. I wish she could know how much I respect her and still think of her as really  a cool person. Anyways, I'm concentrating on mending myself and trying not to freak out when I see pictures of how it was before.

Good luck for the week to come peeps, I hope this blogpost hasn't brought you down much.
I think this stuff just needed to be said. But you should know that I'm OK, now. Or at least better.

xx
-lotus
(and if you're feeling down after reading this, here is a picture of my sister a unicorn:)

the week of utter dread

In my life, not many weeks have turned out as crappy and dysfunctional as this one. I don't think one can begin to imagine what stress I've been through. No-body likes a complainer, but I felt so broken, and weak and lost and gross and ew this week, it's not even funny.

Photoset: source

Monday - We came back from Europe and my beloved dog, my baby Calico, was diagnosed with kidney failure. Oh, and two words: Jet. Lag.

Tuesday - My dog passed away. I was hesitant to write this on my blog because sometimes people simply don't understand. Calico wasn't the type of dog you kind of just park in a corner and bring out when there's someone to impress with 'sit', 'down', 'paw' tricks, Calico was there constantly. It's been so hard on every single one of us and I can't believe how much I love (yes, in present tense) that boy.

Wednesday - I struggled (so. much.) to catch up with school work after missing one week (being in Europe). Formulas and tests and dates didn't really seem relevant.

Thursday - I did a lot of exercise which was fine, I think that pushing yourself and trying to put your sorrow and sadness into sport is always good. School didn't go well, my marks were considerably dropping.


Friday - After a terrible night, my throat hurts, I can't speak and my nose is clogged up.
Tomorrow I have a 5 hour Tae Kwon Do seminar too, plus after that Japanese tutoring. Not to mention a pile bigger than Mt. Everest of homework.


At the end of this, I wanted to write something meaningful (along the lines of: "All this struggle has taught me one thing etc.") but I guess my mind isn't programmed at the minute to be positive. My friends, well, they've been sososo supportive, I must say, even if it's just lending me their notes or their mobile to call home and see if there was any progress with curing Calico. I guess that was the most difficult thing: not knowing.

Because when you don't know, for ages and ages and ages on end (Calico was actually sick five, six days before he was fully diagnosed) you look up to the sky, and you squint and you can't see your future, you simply can't imagine (but dear god you hope) if you'll look back one day and go "Remember when you gave us such a fright, Calico? Ah, but you held on strong, didn't you, boy?".

P-S Check out a poem about this here. Click to enlarge.

out. // a poem

ok. so i guess it is a little sombre, and it is a morbid subject, but, hey, one day we're all going to face it. so without further ado, here is a poem i was told to write in english class, the subject was death. i'll spare you the rationale, and all though.

out.

here is the shallow secret, here it is, 

it is numb, bathed in eternity, a wasteland of thoughts,

the drowning, the heaving

here is the heavy secret, the one that no one accepts,

grey-dressed, it is the bite after the race, it is the sleep, 

the shadow tainting life, it is the fall,

it is the musty-smell, the motivation for leaving an imprint,

the reason for beauty,

here it is,

it is the extinguishing of that brief spark of light 

slipped between two slices of forever,

the nothing. the no-future. the ultimate relief.

it makes its way through the busy,

the vain scratching of the pen, once the ink has gone,

that sinking of the heart, it is the line,

parallel, all this time.

here is the wirelike secret, shake your head at the bitter,

it is damp. it is dirt,

it is tasting the past

and breathing it out.

yours truly

dear the guy of my dreams,

hey wanna come over and eat some pizza and watch a disney movie? and maybe fall helplessly in love? just a suggestion.

love from,

me (you know that girl that can't get over how green your eyes are)

dear dark and stormy cloud,

move over, i'm not afraid of you. 

not-much-love-at-all,

twinkling star

dear my imac,

stop capitalising my words, i want them on lower caps.

from,

has-changed-from-loving-capitals-to-loving-lower-caps

dear fireworks,

you were pretty. and loud. i couldn't stop gushing over you. my favourite was the gold one that didn't make any noise and that sparkled and came really close to us.

love from,

one of the girls on the red and white checkered picnic rug

dear you-know-who-you-are

give it a break.

from,

a-very-annoyed-and-possibly-sad-but-recovering-thirteen-year-old

dear captain jack sparrow,

heh, i like you.

love, love, love from,

hopeless-admirer

p-s i also like your way of speaking very much.

dear facebook,

bam, did you see that? i deleted my account. that's right i have better things than count how many friends i have. burn.

have a nice life buddy,

zoé

dear my two gorgeous friends,

i seriously don't know what i would do without you. no, seriously.

thanks for being there for me,

your always grateful,

moi

dear life,

you can be hard can't you. yeah, you can. but we get through it don't we?

i am so immensely grateful for you, my family and friends.

seriously.

and why can't i have two more weeks of school? i mean i only have a little, weensy, teensy one left. please?

i love you,

zoé

dear "live beautifully",

good bye, you have been replaced.

she liked me better,

yours i'm-very-sorry-about-your-loss from,

new motto: "just breathe"

Circus

Behind the glitz and glamour,
There is suffering and pain,
Not always picture perfect,
There's a life beyond the stage,
At the end of the night,
The crowd applauds and leaves,
But the performers, no,
Time to drop the smiles,
And practise at what they do best.
Over and over,
No variety,
All over again.




~ Zoé ~

Missing you

My heart clenched up,
Into a little ball,
I miss you so,
Memories flooding,
My eyes fog up,
I feel weak and limp,
Don't know what I feel like doing,
I count the months, weeks, days,
I miss my ritual,
The jokes and laughs,
My room and house,
I miss a lot, too much to state,
I have so much to tell you,
That when I finally see your face,
I forget all,
I just want to burry my face in your hug,
And stay there,
Forever silent,
Just breathing in your smell.





















~ Zoé ~